


Counting

by amanda_jolene



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Gen, TW: mention of ED
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-21
Updated: 2014-07-21
Packaged: 2018-02-09 20:00:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1995936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amanda_jolene/pseuds/amanda_jolene
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maybe Tix was right. Maybe there was a way to stop the tears. TRIGGER WARNING: Mention of ED/dieting. If you are triggered by such, please do not read this work.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Counting

Sometimes she’s glad for distractions. 

Every thing in her life is a mess right now. Mum’s pregnant and she’s got kicked out of school and Finn’s gone and Archie is just another prick and Chloe really is one of them (she can’t fathom the entirety of who they are but she knows it leaves a sour note on her tongue) and Tix… Tix is dead. 

And she can’t do anything about any of it except cry. 

So that’s what she does. She lets herself have long, howling crying jags when no one is home until her eyes are nearly swollen shut and her throat is dry and raw. 

The days go by so slow and one day, her mind just can’t handle focusing on everything at once so it zeroes in on Tix. Tiny Tixy and her tiny wrists and her tiny smile in her tiny dress laying so quiet and still in a casket that was far too large for her tiny frame. Rae knows it’s all her fault. Forgot Tix… for what? A shit rave? For Finn and friends that she no longer has? 

She’s suddenly not so mad at Archie anymore. They were one in the same, really. Self-centered assholes, the both of them. Archie had used Rae. Rae used Tix. And both of them had left when something better came along. Tix, who had trusted her when she trust no one, had been left to sort through the wreckage of her mind by herself and with no one to cast a spotlight, she had tossed herself off a mental bridge and swan dived into an unknown where no one would ever be able to touch her again. Because whether it was a positive touch or a negative touch… it all hurt the same way. 

Rae is wailing, sitting on her bedroom floor while Elton John sings _and it seems you lived your whole life like a candle in the wind_ and she’s not sure how much longer she can keep this up. How did Tix ever stop crying? 

Rae had been at the hospital for a month when she finally worked up enough nerve to ask Tix why she counted calories. There had been discussion about control and body image and fat and then Tix wavered and whispered, “Mostly, though, it’s because I can’t count and cry at the same time.” 

So, Rae finds herself in front of the cupboard and for once it’s not about binging because she turns the box over and silently starts figuring how many servings she could have of this one treat if she were on a 1200 calorie diet? 1800? 2000? What she had two serving and then- 

And the house is silent for a while. 

Because you really can’t cry and count at the same time.


End file.
